Updates to Team Fortress 2 are like visiting the dentist with a toothache - soon things will be so much better, but right this second they suck and hurt. I’m especially affected by the Engineer update, which arms my favorite class with even more awesomeness but making it utterly impossible to play for at least a fortnight. Because it isn’t TF2 anymore, it’s

Every update triggered a tidal wave of the title class - from the Scottish hordes to the Super Scout Squads, but all the others established an ecology. When the Medic Update dropped, Spies had a simply splendid time

The doctor will see you now AND SHOVE A KNIFE IN YOUR BACK!

but by the Heavy update those same Spies were hunted by Pyros

A food chain

Each update established an entire food chain, and while there were still far too many of one class to even say anything rhyming with “balanced play,” it was still fun - it was almost a Mutation (like Left 4 Dead 2), and at least everyone learned about the new weapons at the same time.

But the Engineer update isn’t like that. It’s like a locker room full of straight men all trying to get laid - the more of them there are, the less they can get what they want even if the chance appears. Most of the Engineer’s arsenal is locked behind actual defensive achievements - and you can’t earn those when the opposing team is also doing more engineering than Scotty, LaForge and Torres put together.

Worse, there was about as much chance of establishing an ecology as there is on the surface of the Sun. Engineers stack like LEGO blocks, and against an army of them there’s nothing a Spy or Demo can do - sapping a point with five Engies is like throwing a snowball at a Pyro convention.

The only hope is to assemble an entire team of Medic/Heavy-or-Demo combos and attacking at the same time, and on a public server there’s as much chance of that as of getting the complete works of Shakespeare out of three monkeys with a crayon. It’s just not fun, which is why private servers - or simply stopping playing for a while - are the only options.

Two teams of Engies are about as entertaining as an Eyeball Gouging Competition where you’re the battlefield. Attacking Engies are ordinarily a Highlander factor - there can only be one, and even then only if he’s very good - but now we’re seeing armies of BLU building irrelevant, outdated equipment in the hope of being rewarded. Especially 2Fort - if you’d said it could become even more deadlocked last week you’d have been laughed at, but now it’s a staler mate than a tie on a bread-based chess board.

No, YOU come over HERE!

The words are ashes in our mouths, but this may be the first time in history achievement servers are justified. Sure, they may be antijoy factories turning games into unpaid labor, but at least it’ll transport all these neverwannabe Engies to the hell they deserve.

And I can get back to kicking ass with a Wrench.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 13th, 2010 at 8:00 am and is filed under Team Fortress News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.