TF2: The Worst Update Ever!
Posted in Team Fortress 2 News
After two years of trial and error, Valve have finally release the update to end all updates!
You’ve beaten out the flames with the axtinguisher, your mouth has watered for the Sandvich, and you’ve realised that steel’s final point is broken by the Force-a-Nature - but you’ve never seen an update like this.
NO MORE FRONTSTABS!
OR SIDESTABS!
(OR EVEN BACKSTABS, UNLESS YOU LINE IT UP WITH A SET SQUARE AND PROTRACTOR!)
We really have no excuse for this. Despite years of experience in making multiplayer games, we at Valve still can’t instantaneously quantum-link every player to their TF2 server. People with pings as low as 500 have found that sometimes - inexplicably - the events don’t match the images on their screen (when their mighty 486 even manages to render them). To end this problem we’ve narrowed the range of angles at which backstabbing will work.
This is what we designed the backstab range to be:
According to players, here’s what it actually is:
So we’ve changed it to this:
Spies are now recommended to contact an air traffic controller to guide their approach run down the 1° backstab-path. For ease of use, you should clearly warn your target that you are a spy and about to stab them, and ask them to hold still if that’s acceptable. We estimate that this should reduce the volume of facestabbing complaints by almost 5%. If that’s not enough we’ll delete the knife entirely (which may reduce facestab complaints by as much as 10%.)
Also: because it’s the most balanced and certainly-NOT-specific-mechanic-breaking item we’ve ever made, everyone gets a Razorback!
February 16th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
This is the best update EVAR!
February 16th, 2010 at 1:49 pm
You mad bro?
February 16th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
Hey that last one about backstabs might actually work!
February 17th, 2010 at 6:00 pm
Hilarious!
February 19th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
Unfunny
February 19th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
TF2 sucks anyway you cut it. I wasted my money on that shit. It’s like disney or pixar made a FPS.
June 18th, 2010 at 1:48 am
..and we all know pixar’s graphics are crap, they’re like, soo out of business