Too Many Medics? It seems like an impossible fever dream. Looking at last week’s “Total Players By Class” statistics from the Valve website, the medic seems popular enough:

But we both know it’s not like that in practice. Online it’s often a game of class-choice chicken, a real sense of “All right, if I have to” where the most team-minded player on the server dons surgical gloves while three other idiots run around as snipers. Because we all know how useful snipers are on the fourth point of dustbowl. That was until this week when Valve released a whole host of new Medic achievements and unlockables, in the most hotly anticipated medikit since the first Space Marine fell to 01 health. I single-handedly gathered public TF2 server statistics playing on the day of the release:

That might seem awesome, every TF2 server a magical medical Mecca with free healing for all where no-one ever dies - but further highly scientific study reveals a disturbing problem:

Almost every one of these new medics is acting like he’s been punched in the head by the Heavy. Repeatedly. It’s like somebody filled an ER with lemmings dressed up in little white coats, as Medics charge into Pyros, dash onto sticky-bomb fields, and sprint, bonesaw-drawn, directly at an already spun-up Heavy - presumably hoping that their fearsome Teutonic accent will cause the All-Killing Minigun Of Death to jam out of fear. (Note: it is recommended to say “Just like medic to bring saw to gunfight!” after shredding them).

In an attempt to highlight the vital support class, the update has temporarily destroyed it as a majority of medical morons chase unlockables. That’s not even counting the dedicated servers with names like “MEDIC ONLY SAWSAWSAW!!!” where packs of players line up in turn to earn achievements, thereby utterly defeating the point of those achievements, the game, and their own useless lives. It’s become quite clear that if Valve included the achievement “Darwinism: place your penis on the table and smash the keyboard on it over and over 0/10″ then server voicecomms would be full of high-pitch screaming.

On the upside it’s only temporary. The tf2 achievement server whores will get their fill within a week or two, and we’ll be able to enjoy the update for what it is: fresh content for an already awesome game designed by the Force of Brilliance that is Valve, designed to prevent servers from becoming “Standard Attack on Dustbowl #4525332″. The changes in ideal sentry spots to deal with Critzkrieg, the value of the sniper taking out key personnel, and of course the strategies of the surgeon-stalking spy. I’m looking forward to the pavlovian pleasure of the “achievement unlocked” sound. You know, when I’m playing on a team that doesn’t already look like half of New York General Hospital got teleported into Hydro.

In the meantime? Spy, gentlemen. Because unless Computron 5000 has logged on my private server to defend Goldrush there is no way anyone can keep track of all their Medics these days.

Tags: medics, team fortress, Team Fortress 2 servers, TF2 medic, TF2 servers, TF2 update

This entry was posted on Monday, May 12th, 2008 at 12:00 am and is filed under Team Fortress 2 News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.