With Valve announcing that the Heavy will be updated next we can all look forward to TF2 servers filling up with glaciers made of miniguns. Two teams advancing towards each other at the speed of reforestation, with a few spies and snipers racking up scores like credit card numbers. So before the new unlocks download themselves onto your desktop, maybe you should learn to use the gear our Russian friend already has:

1. Guard Your Medic

Too many Heavies treat the Medic like a glorified janitor, cleaning up the bullets and rocket wounds that dare to sully the Heavy’s glorious torso. Worse, they can swear at this vital teammate for failing to keep them alive during their attempts to punch four level 3 sentries, and are then mystified why they aren’t being healed anymore.

Remember that you Medic is playing a game too! Be his friend! Say please and thank you, and if you’re being healed you should spin to check behind your medic every couple of seconds, no matter what else you’re doing. The Heavy is only slow for moving, not turning, and it costs nothing to spycheck by spinning while firing at full speed. Should hear your Medic scream while you’re demolishing the enemy team, he isn’t ecstatically overcome by your minigun prowess - there’s backstab one nanosecond from your spine, so spin and see if that spy can cloak past one hundred thousand rounds per minute.

(Protip: He can’t, and it is totally sweet when you shred him.)

2. Two steps forward, one step back

When your resurrected Russian steps out of the spawn make sure you’re holding the shotgun while stomping your way to the front. A Scout who knows what he’s doing can kill you before your minigun even spins up and I’m sorry, but if a Heavy gets killed by a Scout he has to stop playing for a week in sheer shame. It’s one of the rules.

It’s also a fact that the only back bigger than the Heavy’s back is the Outback. The Heavy spinal column is the Promised Land in the religion of the Spies, the glorious reward for good little boys who disguise well and sneak behind enemy lines. Turn to face backwards and backpedal at least one step in three, constantly firing your shotgun into thin air as you go. You get to the battle just as quickly while keeping your body conveniently free of Spy switchblades.

3. Jump into action

Spinning up your gun takes a couple of seconds, also known as “More than long enough for a decent Dustbowl chokepoint to murderise you to pieces.” Tip the odds back in your favor by jumping around corners facing the direction you want to fire, spinning up the gun in midair. You’ll start firing as soon as you land and should be able to take out one or two assailants before they can even aim, giving after that you and your healer have a much better chance. DON’T start firing before you go around the corner - the unaimed hail of bullets is a gigantic announcement screaming “ATTENTION SNIPERS, GET YOUR FREE HEADSHOTS HERE”.

4. Back Off

It’s time for your Team Fortress 2 Maths Lesson: 300 is a finite number. Hell, the Spartans had 300 and they got their seminaked asses shot to pieces, so stop running out onto carpets of stickybombs and acting surprised when you explode. Running with the Heavy might feel like making a getaway in a dump truck loaded with grand pianos, but it is possible. You’ll never make the distance but you can make it around the nearest corner or onto the nearest medikit.

Every time you don’t just stand there and take it until you’re detonated holds the tide of battle on your side - it takes about four years for you to get to the front line, so you can’t afford to get killed after three seconds. That Medic will have an Ubercharge soon - make sure you’re alive to get it.

5. Play as Sniper

The Sniper is the natural predator of the Glorious Heavy. Any tactical text will tell you to think like your enemy, and on a Team Fortress 2 server you can literally do that. Rack up some time as the Aussie assassin, hanging back and picking off the real men who do their killin’ up close. You’ll quickly learn which Heavy actions are giant “Please headshot me signs”, the importance of even the thinnest cover, and how to randomly crouch just often enough to be really annoying. For every second you’re “annoying” a sniper, you’re staying alive to “kill” everyone else.

And isn’t that what carrying a hundred and fifty kilogram gun is all about?

Tags: How to play the Heavy, TF2 Heavy, TF2 Server, TF2 servers

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 10th, 2008 at 6:22 pm and is filed under Team Fortress 2 News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.