Exhausted, seven fellow geeks and I sit around a dimly lit coffee table at three in the morning. The others munch on chips and gurgle Dr. Pepper like there’s about to be a shortage at the bottling plant.

We’re taking a break before diving back into the game. Someone finishes a drink, stands, stretches and says “You’re all going down.” Collectively, we groan. The rule is that once a challenge is issued, the game must begin again – no matter what. We split into different rooms and, stepping carefully over crisscrossing Ethernet cables and router hubs, we begin another round of Halo’s spectacular multiplayer on our Halo Server.

What? You were expecting 20-sided dice?

Halo: Combat Evolved, the original that was to spawn a phenomenon and a franchise that dropped cash like a Grand Theft Auto hooker, was a video game pioneer. Halo changed the way that first person shooters were made and set a new bar for multiplayer combat through Halo servers. In a genre peppered with little else but Counter-Strike and clones thereof, years later, Halo continues to be a popular alternative to newer multiplayer FPS games.

It is with a bout of nostalgia, then, that we take a look at one of the most irritatingly effective enemies ever produced for an FPS title: The Flood. We pose a simple question: which is a more dastardly enemy – the Flood or Venereal Disease? Both are gross and funny when they happen to your ex, sure, but which is more terrifying?

Flood vs. VD: Grotesque Appearance

To begin, both the Flood and venereal diseases cause disgusting growths and deformations in the infected tissues. To illustrate, here is a picture of a UNSC soldier after complete infection by the Flood:

And, just below this, a picture of a disease-ridden appendage has been (thoughtfully) replaced with a silly kitten.

You’re welcome for that.

Most Hideous: VD

Flood vs. VD: Dogged Persistence

This one is a little easier to call. Some VD can never be cured, or cured only after years of painful treatment. Other types of VD can be erased with a simple shot or an antibiotic regimen (or so I hear), making VD contraction a mixed bag as far as persistence goes.

The flood, however, never stop coming. They swarm together so that - once you’ve fired every bullet you’ve ever owned - you get to start using your pistol like a hammer to finish off the leftovers. The Flood have been known to come back to life just for the pleasure of stabbing you in the back.

To illustrate, here’s a video of a headless, armless Flood following a player around. That’s right – this Flood can no longer fight, bite, or infect Master Chief, so its fall-back position is just to follow him around like a lost puppy. A lost, hideous, stinking puppy.

Tell you what, the next time we have to nuke Los Angeles to get rid of Herpes, we’ll call this one a draw.

Most Persistent: Flood

Flood vs. VD: Sneakiness

The ability to transmit itself relatively undetected is a great asset to an communicable disease. Crippling its victims and turning them into bed-ridden germ factories is exactly how the Black Death managed to approach a filthy, hygiene-challenged populace and only managed to kill 30% of them. You want a

sneaky virus? This is not a sneaky virus:

Massive, spore-spreading explosions? Very subtle.
Most Sneaky: VD

Flood vs. VD: Effects on Health

The worst of all VD will result in certain death after sucking the life out of you over a period of several years. For the flood, the above prognosis is often replicated from beginning to end on Tuesday before lunch. Also, there is no such thing as a “minor” bout of the flood.

Most Detrimental: Flood

It is a close call at two points each, but the final verdict must go to the Flood. The horrors of either infection are numerous. With the Flood, however, all the really crappy stuff is no less horrible just because it happens to you after you’re already dead. But for that small act of mercy, the Flood deserves a sincere thank you. Congratulations, Flood.

But seriously, no hugs. We don’t know where you’ve been.