Too Many Medics? It seems like an impossible fever dream. Looking at last week’s “Total Players By Class” statistics from the Valve website, the medic seems popular enough:

But we both know it’s not like that in practice. Online it’s often a game of class-choice chicken, a real sense of “All right, if I have to” where the most team-minded player on the server dons surgical gloves while three other idiots run around as snipers. Because we all know how useful snipers are on the fourth point of dustbowl. That was until this week when Valve released a whole host of new Medic achievements and unlockables, in the most hotly anticipated medikit since the first Space Marine fell to 01 health. I single-handedly gathered public TF2 server statistics playing on the day of the release:

That might seem awesome, every TF2 server a magical medical Mecca with free healing for all where no-one ever dies - but further highly scientific study reveals a disturbing problem:

Almost every one of these new medics is acting like he’s been punched in the head by the Heavy. Repeatedly. It’s like somebody filled an ER with lemmings dressed up in little white coats, as Medics charge into Pyros, dash onto sticky-bomb fields, and sprint, bonesaw-drawn, directly at an already spun-up Heavy - presumably hoping that their fearsome Teutonic accent will cause the All-Killing Minigun Of Death to jam out of fear. (Note: it is recommended to say “Just like medic to bring saw to gunfight!” after shredding them).

In an attempt to highlight the vital support class, the update has temporarily destroyed it as a majority of medical morons chase unlockables. That’s not even counting the dedicated servers with names like “MEDIC ONLY SAWSAWSAW!!!” where packs of players line up in turn to earn achievements, thereby utterly defeating the point of those achievements, the game, and their own useless lives. It’s become quite clear that if Valve included the achievement “Darwinism: place your penis on the table and smash the keyboard on it over and over 0/10″ then server voicecomms would be full of high-pitch screaming.

On the upside it’s only temporary. The tf2 achievement server whores will get their fill within a week or two, and we’ll be able to enjoy the update for what it is: fresh content for an already awesome game designed by the Force of Brilliance that is Valve, designed to prevent servers from becoming “Standard Attack on Dustbowl #4525332″. The changes in ideal sentry spots to deal with Critzkrieg, the value of the sniper taking out key personnel, and of course the strategies of the surgeon-stalking spy. I’m looking forward to the pavlovian pleasure of the “achievement unlocked” sound. You know, when I’m playing on a team that doesn’t already look like half of New York General Hospital got teleported into Hydro.

In the meantime? Spy, gentlemen. Because unless Computron 5000 has logged on my private server to defend Goldrush there is no way anyone can keep track of all their Medics these days.

Being a Spy takes finesse, and a willingness to go it alone behind enemy lines. Armed only with stealth, disguise and a desire to breed chaos, the Spy must balance careful maneuvering with maximum enemy damage. Whether you’re new to a game server, or already part of a clan, there are two main reasons most choose to deploy a Spy: to destroy a structure, or to take out a player on the opposing team. Many times, this player is the Engineer, whose structures can provide both offensive and defensive support. However, taking out a Medic who’s providing essential support to that Heavy bearing down on your base may well be a beneficial goal. A Spy is all about opportunity, and you’ll want to watch for openings that give your team the advantage.

Another reason to slip into the role of espionage is to intercept communications from the enemy – a well placed spy can tap into the voice chat of the opposing team on their TF2 server and share that information with allies. This is most useful during the setup stages, when players are planning their defense, and in the heat of battle, when new commands are being issued to try to out maneuver the opponent.

If you’re going to play a Spy, there are several key considerations before starting out. In general, you are going to want to have a specific target in mind, whether it’s taking out Engineer turrets, or getting rid of any pesky Snipers on the map. You want to be certain you know where you’re going and how to get there. Stealth only lasts 10 seconds – plan out a route to your destination that lets you take advantage of cover, and avoid drawing attention to yourself.

Once you’re behind enemy lines, take note – which class do they seem to have the most of? This is an important, if sometimes overlooked detail. When you don your disguise, you take on the persona of one of the members of the opposing team, right down to the name change. If they’ve only got one Engineer and you try to disguise yourself as that player, you’ll have to be especially careful not to be discovered.

Remember, as a Spy, it isn’t your job to actually mingle – you’ll want to get in, cause your destruction, kill your target, and then get out, fast. Bumping into an enemy, attacking, getting shot, and even changing your disguise will cause your image to ‘smoke’ briefly, and an observant player will quickly figure out the ruse.

Concentrate on players who are usually alone, like the Sniper, or preoccupied, like the Engineer, and you’ll have more success. Communicate with other members on your TF2 server – finding out enemy movement patterns and if anyone is headed your way. As a Spy, you want as few witnesses as possible.

If, at the end of the day, you find yourself unmasked before your plan can come to fruition – don’t try to fight it out. Run! The Spy’s revolver does decent damage, even when you are making your well-calculated retreat. Fire a few shots to keep your enemy at bay, then slip into stealth via your cloak and make your getaway. Chances are, your intended target will be more wary for awhile, but if you gain a good vantage point, you can still discover a moment of unguarded distraction that will let you make the kill before time runs out.