The Witch.  Scary, powerful, quite unreasonably vengeful and despite claws which could tear open a fair size building you people just can’t seem to stop prodding her.  The recently released Left4Dead stats show that barely one in twenty players have ever gotten through a campaign without enraging her.  Despite the fact that “enraging her” often means “killing you.”

Especially fun if you can see the witch a level above or below you - so much fun, in fact, that Valve made an achievement for it.

If the Witch has to run a long way or climb ladders to get to you, why not make sure she stays warm during her long trip?  She’s not exactly wearing a lot after all, and she could catch her death (double-death? re-undeath?) sprinting around late at night like that.  As a caring neigbour the very least you can do is ignite her with a Molotov cocktail.  Then she’s warm, well lit, and incidentally losing health every step of her way towards you and the intestines she seems so set on separating from you.

It’s getting cold, throw another Molotov on the Witch.

3.  Get Lucky

The Director has a bad rep.  He controls an evil world.  He has a button that makes Tanks happen.  From time to time he sends a couple thousand zombies to use your head as a football - but other times he’s so, so nice.  Nice as in “spawns a Witch right in front of an emplaced minigun” nice, which is about as nice as someone whose job is “control flesh-hungry infected” can be.  Sneak into position, have someone covering your back (because if there’s one thing Smokers LOVE it’s minigun operators - holding those handles seems to give you an irresistible flavor for that overextended tongue), and one more thing:

Enjoy.

Left4Dead servers went live on November 19, meaning that if you’re even here reading this you have a very poor grasp of priorities.  But we’ll make it worth your while with some tactical advice that might just keep you and your fellow survivors alive come Finale time.

1.  The Pistol
Years of first person shooter experience have trained you to believe that the pistol is puny.  It’s something you know as deeply as your ABCs and now, thanks to Valve, it’s wrong.  The pistol (or better, pistols) are a real force to be reckoned with and their proper use will do more for you than any of the larger weapons.

Last weekend saw the release of the Left 4 Dead, and with it thousands of mindlessly rushing bodies piling onto a brave few struggling and eventually buckling under the immense pressure.  And that was just players trying to log on to the servers.  But Valve soon sorted that out and gamers were able to do what they do best: shooting things that are already dead.

Your first game on a Left 4 Dead server is an intense experience.  You’ll face more foes than every Call of Duty server ever put together, and you’ll depend on your teammates in a way that makes a Team Fortress 2 server look like a rugged survivalist wasteland.  But will you be a Bruce Willis or a Leroy Jenkins?  Here area  few hints to help you in this new land.


1.  Play the single player campaign first
We know you’ve just got your brand new game disc (or download) and you’re really excited about shooting zombies, but you know what?  The other players are really excited about not dying because Forrest Gump joined the team and couldn’t work out which end of the shotgun is meant to be pointed at the infected.

This game is fun

Valve went to all the bother of programming bot players in a single player specifically so you could make all your expensive, game-ending mistakes with companions who don’t feel homicidal rage.  Yes, you have to switch to your medpack to use it.  Yes, reloading is very important.  No, we don’t want to be hacked down by Hunters while you work all this out.  The computer companions aren’t as intelligent as real human players, but considering how they’re armed with shotguns and you’re screwing up, do you want them to be?

2.  Friendly Fire
This is going to come as a nasty shock to you (unless you play on a non-wussy CoD4 server), but bullets from guns actually hurt people.  It’s true!  It turns out that chunks of lead thrown out of metal barrels at high velocity can’t really tell the difference between humans and zombies. Â

This means

a) Aim first, shoot second.

b) The best way to knock a Hunter off someone is NOT shooting them both with a shotgun.  Shotguns hurt, a lot, and your fellow player will not be any happier that you granted him death at the hands of a fellow human rather than an evil hoodied gut-ripper.

c) In fact, if you’re swinging a shotgun around the place get out in front and stay there.


3.  No Random fire
Getting Boomered is an extremely unpleasant experience.  You can’t see, you can’t aim, and a zombie horde approximately the size of Switzerland is running in to tear your face off.  You really want to shoot things, but remember what we just said about aiming?  Your friends are even now piling in to defend your dripping self, but if you reward them with a machine-gun clip in the back it’s the last time they’ll bother.  Or do anything else, actually, except curse you out while they wait to respawn.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, this is not the time to panic

Even with the screen covered in green undead-drawing bile you can tell where your buddies are by the blue outlines and names.  Shoot somewhere else, and if you can’t just switch to melee.  You can’t hurt your team with that, and considering that your clip will empty in the first four seconds of the onslaught you’ll have switch to swinging at things anyway.
Yes, we realise that this is basically “FRIENDLY FIRE” repeated again.  That’s because it’s a really important point.

4.  “What’s that white zombie girl?”
The #1 mistake of all rookie Left4Deaders is not knowing what a witch is.  Or rather, not fleeing in terror at the very sound of its name for Lo, The Witch is Made Flesh and the world is ruined, ashes and darkness!  Abandon hope, extinguish your dreams (and more importantly turn off your lamps) and pray to whatever you believe in for deliverance against the Destroyer of All!

There are people born two thousand years ago less dead than you are now

Do not shoot the witch.  Do not point your light at the witch.  Do not look at the witch.  Try not to even think about the witch and how she will kill you all dead should you become worthy of her notice.
Then, when she’s torn you and your team to shreds, know why your team are calling you an idiot.