The X-chromosome seems to screw up computer games by sheer proximity, and we’re not talking about mutant Magnetos electrocuting the hardware. One’s fine, but two together destroy characterization, removes focus on gameplay, and seems to evaporate all clothing beyond the g-string grade. A while back we saw the five worst attempts at forcing girls into games, and it’s evidence enough to convince an alien court to vaporize every testicle on the planet.

This week we’re looking at the opposite: excellent additions which understand that maybe it’s possible for females to wear things which cover their midriffs, or even function like real clothes instead of sparkly wrapping for a T&A buffet!

1. The TF2 Medic

Frau Doctor is fantastic, a model which really recognises the unique style of TF2’s eternally-in-demand übermensch.

The Doctor will see you now. And she doesn’t like it.

The only problem is that since she’s doesn’t seem to be displaying any sex organs in plain sight, many modelers might have difficulty recognising her as a female. “It has a higher-pitched voice but nothing jiggles!” they wail, before going back to drawing nude Cheetarahs. It’s worth noting that such scribbles have a tendency to suck…

“I couldn’t fit the other set of stripper models in the screen shots” - actual description of a custom Specialists skin

…while this fully clothed character was created as part of a Masters thesis. Just in case the inverse intelligence/want-to-shoot-at-exposed-breasts relationship wasn’t clear enough.

2. Unreal Samus Aran

You want a strong female character? How about an armored warrior holding a giant gun WITH ANOTHER GIANT GUN?

Her right hand is holding more weapon than the Hulk scratching himself

A custom skin for Unreal Tournament 3, and possibly the coolest thing in it. As well as standard levels of Retro-Joy, the distinctive color scheme is a seriously welcome relief from the spectrum of “Brown, Grey, Blood Red and Bits of Black” dominating almost every modern shooter. And while she can’t convert into her morph ball here, neither has she been “upgraded” by people who grew up fantasizing over her first games into a skintight lycra showgirl. Unlike actual Nintendo games, unfortunately.

3. CS Female Urban

Another excellent example of clothing restraint is Counter-Strike’s female urban counter-terrorist, thought that could just as easily be technical limitations. Running on the original Half Life engine, any attempt to render breasts would have given her two extra bladed weapons, as well as the ability to cut parallel lines in glass by pressing against it.

We’re one white fill effect and an i away from an Apple advertisement.

4. Joanna Dark

If you’re unclear on why the Carrington Institute would enter their agents in an Unreal Tournament, it was part of a brave attempt to update UT with a Perfect Dark mod. Which would easily have been one of the best things ever. It was abandoned, but the skins were saved and are available for download.

In their defense, none of them look happy about this.

Unfortunately it’s more an anatomy lesson in Epic’s inability to draw character models thinner than an oil barrel. Samus survived above because she wears a full suit of armor, but poor Joanna ends up looking like a human/giraffe hybrid who got stuck on a taffy-puller before battle commenced. But it’s still one of the best mods ever, because honestly, anything involving Joanna Dark that doesn’t end in “zero” is one of the best things ever.

5. Have a little Faith, pal!

Possibly the best cross-dressing crossover in videogaming history, the TF2 scout gets a fashion update from gaming’s greatest freerunner.

Man, if you thought sad people complained about her chest size before (and they did)

We admit it’s a tiny bit horrifying but it’s half-way to something spectacular: someone sorting out a full Faith conversion for the Scout model. Unfortunately we might be waiting a while, as most modelers are still too busy regressing the last ten years of character development by putting the Pyro in a bikini.

Wrongness on more levels than Dante’s Inferno

An even better, if less playable, rendition of the runner is in Half Life - where we finally explain exactly how a headcrab zombie can be so fast. After all, the resonance cascade opened up portals across reality - all we would need is one in New Eden. And for a headcrab to hang around a red drainpipe for a while.

The best thing about having your own server is that you can take some of the greatest games ever made, and play them exactly how you want. Some scum won’t stop using rifle grenades on CoD4? Kick him! Want to play Well despite nobody in the world liking that map? Go ahead! And thanks to the hard work of modding community FPSBanana, you can redecorate in ways you never thought possible:

1. The Glorious Francis Heavy Skin

In the best cross-over ever (until the Portal gun turns up in Half Life Episode 3), Left4Dead’s Francis can escape the infected - to a TF2 server. This skin retextures everyone’s favorite weapon-wielding Russian into Mr “I Hate Everything” himself. Install it client-side and only you’ll be able to see it, but if you host a TF2 server you can upload the upgrade for everyone to enjoy!

I hate RED!

Just imagine if Francis could take Natascha to fight the Horde - why, he’d be invincible! For about ten seconds. Then he’d run out of ammo and die, but man, it would be so sweet up till then!

2. That’s Not A Knife, THIS Is A Knife!

It’s a fact that Counter-Strike servers are still the most popular around. It’s also a fact that the most popular skins are all insanely detailed knives and weapons, which would be more worrying except the whole point of the game is “Use knives and weapons.” If you’re the kind of CS server master who can run around eliminating enemies with nothing but a knife, you should definitely make it a nice one. The terrifyingly specific “M9 Probis III” knife is the most popular.

I’m the one holding it and this thing terrifies ME.

3. Tuxedo Sleeves

Slick stunt-style shooter The Specialists may not have a Source upgrade, running off the original Half-Life engine, but it still has class. Modder “Jeffysan” certainly thinks so, tweaking the code for nothing more than giving you trendy tuxedo sleeves as you obliterate the opposition.

On one hand this is wasted effort - it doesn’t affect the game, and you barely see it. On the other hand, it makes you feel that tiny bit more like Bond and is therefore absolutely essential.

4. Band of Brothers on the Day of Defeat

Day of Defeat servers get some pop culture love with a TV-upgrade, swapping out one of the skins for Ronald Speirs. If you just asked “Ronald Who?”, you don’t watch Band of Brothers and can move on to the next item. Fans may wish to have a look at this fun skin:

5. Dead4Left

Technically the easiest mod on the list as it only copies the survivor skins over the infected, but come on, that’s pretty fun looking. It’s also a bit of a cheat on our part - the mod is single-player only, so you can’t run it on your L4D server, but we figured it was more than cool enough to let people know. And you just know that the community are working on a full multiplayer infected/survivor switch.

6. The Most Terrifying Mod Ever

Say goodbye to Silent Hill, because this is the most mentally scarring videogame you’ll ever see. That chick from the Ring could get on BitTorrent and come out of every computer in the country, and it’d only be a welcome break from the screaming. Of course it’s for L4D servers, and we warn you: don’t scroll down if you’re eating:

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

How can the Boomer be made so much more terrifying by putting more clothes ON? What horrible inversion of fashion, flesh and mortal sanity makes a spraypainted thong worse than infected nakedness? We don’t know, but we salute Darksider1972 for advancing the frontiers of Lovecraftian insanity to find out.