Cries of joy substituted for shellfire across the servers last night, as millions of Allied troops celebrated victory in World War II for the three thousand and sixty-fifth time that day.

“It’s been a hard struggle” said Sergeant Martin, who first answered the Call of Duty in 2004 (and again in 2005, 2006, and once more in 2008.)  “Those dirty Huns sure are persistent, and seem to keep reappearing five-to-seventeen seconds after you kill them, but by God we pushed forward and stood on the designated map marker for thirty seconds.  Thereby resolving the entire nightmarish tangle of debts and international pressures which drowned a quarter of the world in blood.”

The Reichstag Falls (127.7 times per hour)

“We fought for this one,” agreed Private Brigs, surveying the streets of dod_avalanche - now silent as combatants rested and checked their kill/death ratios.  “When I think of the millions of deaths in this struggle - several thousand of them my own - I can only hope future generations remember what it is we did here, and why.”

The spirit of Private Jones, reincarnated into a Wolfenstein server by the intensity of the combat (and the dynamic vertex-based anchored animation technology of the  modified Quake III graphics engine) reported confusion over the victory.  “In my day, we just shot them,” he complained.  “I don’t recall ever watching a timer and shooting them three seconds later to do more damage.  Most peculiar.”

Red Orchestra units on the Gazala Line were too busy to comment as a three-man team is required to move each tank effectively, though many gunners were heard to comment on “balancing” of the Allied and Axis units” - removing any incredible technical superiority one side may have had, for example - had helped with the American victory.  Did they say American?  Sorry, they’re sure they meant Allied and no disrespect for the millions of British, Russian, Australian and other nationalities who carried the bulk of the fighting.

“It’s strange, mankind seems to keep fighting these same senseless wars over and over again,” said Martin, visibly tensing for the resumption of hostilities.  “And I don’t mean wars of greed, or fear, or against those who look different.  I mean these exact wars.  I’ve taken part in Market Garden so often I’ve left a furrow, and I’m thinking of bringing a bucket and spade for the next time through the Normandy beaches.  Desperately fighting for survival there is beginning to get a bit samey.”

“We can only hope that future generations will live in peace,” he concluded, hurrying to reload the Thompson which has been rendered by seven different graphics engines in the time he’s used it.  “That they’ll understand the importance of brotherhood, and respect, and basically not calling people you’ve never met stupid noob faggots for no reason.”

Valve are updating Left 4 Dead 2 servers with infected bots, which isn’t the first stage of an attempt to destroy the world it sounds like.  While death itself doesn’t stop zombies, disconnection does, with millions of enraged undead doomed by the loss of one player.  It’s a great help for versus modes, but - as a hybrid of AI and infected brain-munching - it’s also an incredible combination of two of the greatest video game enemies ever made.

So we got to thinking about which other game servers could co-operate:

The worst thing is, one terrorist with an AWP could still take it.

Day of Complete Total Defeat

Aperture Science is all well and good, but he solves practical problems.

Dino D-Day hasn’t won the Lifetime “Gravity Gun Throwing BFGs” Award for Best Concept Ever, but only because that award doesn’t exist. And the award doesn’t exist only because we never knew that Dino D-Day would be invented, creating an impossible spiral of awesome which risks destroying the laws of logic by being a better concept than our universe was built to withstand.

This isn’t some trash flash web-garbage where the ‘funny’ title took three-quarters of the development time: this is a full Source engine game pitting a lone hero against the entirety of a Jurassic Reich. With a free demo already online you can go download it right now and be blasting dinosaurs within the hour, for free, effectively making the next sixty minutes an intelligence test. Because anyone who doesn’t do that is a fool.

All your old favorites from World at War, MoH, and Day of Defeat servers are present and correct: the Thompson, the stick grenade, and of course the Garand which - as always - musically ‘tings’ as it ejects a spent clip. What isn’t as always is that it tings because you’re desperately pumping those shots into a charging triceratops, which is exactly the sort of shakeup you need to make these weapons fresh after approximately one million World War II titles.

The only time it’s acceptable to NOT shoot a videogame Nazi.

Because this game doesn’t rely on its gimmick: it’s a real shooter, and if the demo level is anything to go by that’s short for “really fantastic shooter”. In a single level there are several modes of play: standard Nazi-plugging; a three-way armed misunderstanding between you, Nazis and a Triceratops; being stalked through a maze of ruins by a swarm of raptors; and a final battle against if-I-even-need-to-tell-you-what-you-won’t-get-it.

Now you tell me

Particularly pleasant is the tightness of the weapons: like Half Life 2 Deathmatch servers before it, the game really rewards accurate shooting instead of spraying. Yes, that does extend to dinosaur headshots. A phrase so incredible we’re going to say it again without even pretending to have an excuse: DINOSAUR HEADSHOTS.

You can also do this! (If you don’t want to do this please leave our site.)

There’s also real humor and skill in developing the brilliant concept. The website is stuffed with great propaganda material (including an announcement that Eisonhower is serious about sending only one man against the entire Dino horde). The full game will be released on Steam later this year, featuring a full multiplayer deathmatch (so you can see Source physics on something other than Counter-Strike servers for once) and all sorts of goodies. But don’t just take our word for it: watch this, and if you’re not excited by the end please check to make sure that you aren’t dead.

Let’s be honest:  first person shooters live on PC.  They might survive as crippled console versions, thumbsticks turning at the same speed and accuracy as the average wheelchair, hooked up to auto-aiming life support to stave off Terminal Lack Of Mouse, but it’s only on real computers that the ability to aim actually means something.

Second honesty: single player is practice.  That’s all.  It might be the most cinematic practice you’ve ever seen, with incredible set pieces and innovative action scenes allowing to you to indulge in every Hollywood fantasy, but as long as the enemies are AI it’s just a glorified Tutorial.  You played through Modern Warfare for the fun, World at War for access to the Zombie servers, but it’s all sort of pointless unless you’re plugging people so that victory means “You’re better than someone”, not “The computer was programmed to let you have that.”  That’s what game servers are for, and that’s why we’re looking at the most popular multiplayer FPSs:

1.  Counter-Strike

If this is news then please, stop wasting time here and get your ass onto a Counter-Strike server right now.  Right now there are more people playing CS than there are holding hands, which might sound like it says something scary about society until you realise romance never killed any terrorists.  Various versions take up the first, second and seventh positions on the most-played list - and that’s not just shooters, that’s in terms of every game Valve has (to say nothing of the thousands of pirate players out there).  Counter-Strike: Source is now outperforming 1.6 servers (despite the complaints of purists), and even the relatively unpopular Condition Zero servers are stuffed with several thousand players at all times.  Or to put it another way: statistically speaking, Counter Strike is more popular than Shakespeare.

2.  Call of Duty 4

Things can get a little hectic

Modern Warfare servers continue to crush even their own sequel, with World at War servers lagging behind because of “Less impressive weapons”, “Not being made by Infinity Ward” and the all-important “Being yet another World War II game even though the reason we were excited before was because Modern Warfare didn’t do that” factor.  Cod4 is the top FPS on X-fire’s total playtime charts ranking only behind World of Warcraft overall - and ranking below WoW in playtime is like ranking below the universe in size.

3.  Team Fortress 2

It’s all about class balance

Valve’s magnum opus of online play, and proof that a decade of development time pays off.  Team Fortress 2 servers rank second only to Counter-Strike on Valve’s charts, and even outperforms Football Manager 2009, the biggest non-shooting-people-in-the-face title on their service.  For some reason.  The constant addition of new maps, fixes and unlocks keeps the population pumped up, although it’s still a factor of four behind even the closest Counter-Strike game.  But then, many religions have less devout followings than CS.

4.  Left 4 Dead

This game is fun

Multiplying the number of players by the average game bodycount, L4D servers shoot through three million zombie corpses an hour.  It seems those protesting the sequel were an extremely vocal minority, with most players far too busy “actually playing the game” and “enjoying themselves” to waste much time on such silliness.  It also means that at this very second there are at least four kilo-Louii running around with machine guns.

5.  Day of Defeat

There’s a slight learning curve

Ruggedly hanging in at number five are the Day of Defeat servers (both Source and old-school) - guilty of being set in the same time period as 90% of all known games, but at least with the excuse of coming from a time before the problem wasn’t quite so bad.  It also shares the status of being a Half Life modification, meaning that the altered adventures of Gordon Freeman literally have the entire FPS table surrounded.

Gamers dressing up as the gamees is a tradition dating back as far as disposable income, but what about the characters themselves? Can they cackle in costumes for all hallows eve? Since we don’t waste opening paragraphs around here, the answer is “Yes”, and we look at seven skins to spice up your servers:

1. The Creepy Counter-Strike Skull

Counter-Strike servers are already stuffed with Skullz and Killaz [sic], usually embedded in usernames between clan tags and half the number row’s symbols. Modder “Laca” enables the anti-terrorists to become even scarier than “someone with an assault rifle out to kill you” by skulling things up under the creepily human eyes.

2. Medal Of Honor: Allied Assault

Those playing on Medal of Honor servers shouldn’t suffer because of the age or authenticity of their game - so “Vdog777” has built an in-character costume, and is far better at 3D modeling than coming up with a name. The French resistance fighter adds another option when you’re dressing to impress (and shoot several times in the head) those fashionable Nazi chappies.

3. Team Fortress Halloween

Halloween costumes are something fun and awesome, so of course Valve are involved. We’re only talking about this because we enjoy it, anyway, as anyone on any TF2 server has already enjoyed the new koth_harvest_event map, exploding pumpkins, brand-new hats (to pile on top of all the other awesome headgear), and the incomparable ghost costume of Zepheniah Mann.

PS We love our Gibuses, though proper grammer sometimes makes for odd pronunciation.

4. The Classic Spy

Just because you’re ten years behind the times doesn’t mean you can’t dress up - though it can mean you wish you were more advanced. That’s the lesson behind the awkwardly-named |WS|*Nikon’s smooth spy skin, disguising a Team Fortress Classic server’s Spy as: a TF2 spy!

5. The Red vs Blue Crysis

In the most insanely complicated meta disguise outside of Major Smith in Where Eagles Dare, “not so l337” lets Crysis commandos disguise themselves as the staff from Red vs Blue, who in turn are played by Spartans, from Halo. It would be impossible to add more layers to a costume without forming a human pyramid or dressing up as a double-decker bus.

6. Day of Metal Gear Defeat

Dr. Cloud understands exactly how to guarantee an Allied success on Day of Defeat servers: staff the side of the angels with an endless army of Solid Snake clones. With the Axis forces represented by far inferior GRU cannon fodder it’s quite likely the sheer psychological pressure will force them to fold (despite their advantage in heavy machine guns).

7. Left 4 Dead

The most popular costumes over the last week come from the Left 4 Dead pre-order exclusive demo, with our four favorite survivors sporting spanking new skins.

Bill: Everyone’s favorite armed uncle-figure swaps Vietnam flashbacks for a love of candy, and an incredibly convincing Coach fatsuit.
Zoey: The apocalypse’s only female pulls an incredible double reverse-Michael-Jackson, both turning from white to black AND staying alive to play Rochelle.
Louis: The hard-working everyman goes even further than Zoey to become Elllis’s engineering Suthan bo-ay.
Francis: Why hate everything at random, when Nick can hate and distrust everything as a scumbag conman?

The best bit? Game servers can be dressed up every day of the year!

Glancing over some of the games in my collection, I was struck recently by what so many people have already observed: Gamers LOVE killing Nazis.

I mean, seriously. It has to be a full-on fetish by now. It would not surprise me in the least to discover an entire server farm hosting nothing but pornography involving the killing of the soldiers of fascist Germany, but frankly I’m terrified to Google it. If www.BadGirlsKillNazis.com is an occupied domain, I’d just rather not know about it. (Must….resist…urge to click…)

This is nothing new, of course. Any gamer who’s been half-way paying attention could immediately list for you a dozen games that feature blonde-haired, blue-eyed bull’s-eyes. Me? Straight off the top of my head I’ve got Brothers in Arms, Medal of Honor, Company of Heroes…. right on this site you can find Day of Defeat: Source game servers and Call of Duty game servers. You get the point. IGN even named “The Nazis” the #1 Most Memorable Villain in gaming history. The game they were featured in? “Too many to count.” Tell me about it.

There’s just something hopelessly nostalgic about blowing away a bunker full of Nazis. Perhaps it’s just that the Nazis have been the target of choice for much of my formative years: my first ever game was Wolfenstein 3D at the tender age of 8 (thanks Mom and Dad!). As I sat in the posture I would soon lovingly call “my gaming stoop,” my legs swinging in the air above my dad’s office floor, I stabbed guards and shot German Shepherds and threw 20 pounds of lead at the ugly grump pictured to the right. Little did I know that that was just the beginning.

So what gives? Well, out of necessity, action games feature a struggle against good and evil and, well, who’s more evil than the Nazis? They’ve become such a catchword for unspeakable, zero-shades-of-grey über-evil that even Cthulu’s starting to think the whole thing is a bit silly. Be that as it may, you’ll have to look very hard to find someone who thinks that the Nazis were something other than scumbags, so a game pitting the player against the Third Reich has basically unlimited market appeal. A game against, say, the evil forces of the Democratic Party would find their potential audience cut neatly in half.

Another reason is the nature of the conflict in which Nazi shoot-em-ups are based: World War 2. If you’re looking for a setting that features epic real-world struggle and a universally despised antagonist, look no further in history than 1939! No wonder WW2 games have become an almost developmental cliché.

And while it may be that terrorists are beginning to edge in on the Nazis’ turf as the end-all be-all of video game bad guys (Counter Strike, America’s Army and Call of Duty 4 to name a few of the game servers we love around here), the Nazi, yelling his German commands to halt and surrender, will always have a special place in my heart… and in my crosshairs.

P.s. Good news! Upon further research, BadGirlsKillNazis.com is up for grabs! You’re welcome.

Valve recently offered a free play weekend on Day Of Defeat: Source servers. This worked about as well as you’d expect a horde of uneducated, untrained idiots running out onto World War II battlefield to, without the real-world benefits of massively accelerated Darwinian evolution. Imagine a preschool in the middle of a minefield. Here were some of the worst effects:

1. Sorry!

The fearsome battlecry throughout the European theatre, at least during that part of World War II that took place during July 4-6, 2008. These people spend hours on end killing each other in all manner of virtual battlegrounds, but the idea that bullets can actually hurt people seems to genuinely shock them. Without the magic ammunition which teleports through teammates and weaves between your friends, many of the new players were actively worse than useless. There’s nothing like that feeling when a grenade rattles next to your from behind, and you hear “Sorry!” over voice-comms before detonating.

This picture of stupidity becomes a full three-dimensional hologram of stupidity when the revenge killings start, people actively hunting the accidentally homicidal teammate. The game is then pretty much over - the Germans don’t exactly have a hard time when half the Allied team is re-enacting the bloodier parts of the Civil War on the streets of Palermo.

2. Machine Gun The Sky

A glimpse into the mind of a newbie DoD player:
“Right, so this game has classes.”
“Oh sweet, a big machine gun!”
“Take this brakkabrakka-what-the-f” *dies*

Another fact of life on DoD:S servers is recoil. It turns out that a machine which fires hundreds of rounds per second by setting off explosions behind them moves a bit, unlike other games which would have you believe that an automatic weapon is as handy as an iPod that shoots bullets. Day of Defeat can’t yet simulate the effects of running while carrying twenty kilos of gear, but rest assured that it would if it could.

In the meantime enjoy the sight of new players firing their StG44 from the hip and the recoil flinging the gun barrel (and their vision) into the sky like they were trying to kill God. Oh, and you’re holding a gun and they are literally presenting their soft underbelly.

3. The Anti-Rambo

Teamwork is essential on a Day Of Defeat Server. The classes are so specialised as to make the Team Fortress classes look like nothing but changes of clothes. The central flags flat-out tell you that you need more than one-person, and if that isn’t clear the reinforcement respawn system is built to tell you “Work together you assholes”.

Which doesn’t stop the flock of newbies scattering every single time, running as far away from each other or support as they can get, and basically proving that a lone commando triumphing over a horde of enemies only happens in movies or games with a single player mode.

4. Snipers Sucking (even more than normal)

Fact: 90% of snipers on every FPS game in the world suck. If you disagree with that it’s because you’re one of them. But on a game like DoD, where even the standard combat class is a long-range high-accuracy fighter, this problem is turned up so high the knob breaks. The M1 Garand rewards accurate shooting, while the Kar 98 will practically marry you for a headshot (or at least drop the target, which is the main thing).

Which is why seeing rejects at the bottom of the score table, who honestly couldn’t hit a tank from the inside with one of these workhorse weapons, taking up a teamslot with the specialised bolt-action sniper rifle is sickening. They’re still never going to hit anything, and now you can’t even use them as self-propelled enemy detectors.

5. Accusations of Camping

For the last time: “Camping” comes from random-running around killfests like Quake, where rocketjumping was more of a glitch than a feature and perching yourself in an impossible location and killing anyone who walked under really was an asshole action.

In an objective-attacking map, where the entire point is to destroy fixed targets and protect your own, the idea of somebody deploying a machine gun to actually defend is not called “camping”. It’s called “understanding the game and being a much, much better player than you”.